Since the advent of social media we’ve been invited into the private realm of relationships – getting a first hand view of people making sense of pains and hurts all condensed into 60 second clips. We share the high points, the successes, but we also cry into the camera about our partner’s hurtful ways. And we look for explanations – like are they a narcissist? I am sure I am not alone in noticing the amount of content directed at helping us label and identify narcissistic behavior.

It feels so good to connect with someone and get a sense that you are not alone. Not crazy. Crazy is how you feel when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. So maybe this is good? Maybe.

What is narcissism?

Straight from the dictionary, narcissism is ‘excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance’ (Oxford English Dictionary). Currently, the focus on narcissism is centered on the psychological definition of it which is a little different. In psychology it refers to a lack of empathy, selfishness, entitlement in someone’s personality.

There is often a distinction that needs to be made between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and narcissism. NPD is a dysfunctional personality style where grandiose, self-centered beliefs are pervasive throughout many/most areas of life. NPD is more rare than narcissism. And in reality we all have a degree of narcissism that can grow or fade depending on our situation, age, goals and current level of self awareness. In truth, the simple act of engaging on social media at all requires a certain level of narcissism. We need to think that someone should see this, that it is useful or important.

Being in a relationship with someone who is narcissist can be destructive to our mental health, but also hard to figure out. This probably why online and social media information about narcissists gets so much traction. It gives an ‘A-HA!’, lightbulb moment where we realize we are not alone. And naturally we find out more to help us see the relationship in new, sometimes comforting ways.

Are they a narcissist?

If you have been in a relationship where you feel like you’re drowning in confusion, learning about narcissists can feel like solid ground. It gives an explanation and even ideas on how to deal with such a relationship.

However, it is important to acknowledge that we all have problems in relationships from time to time. We can all be selfish. Everyone has the capacity to do and say things that hurt people. And much of the time we are unaware of the effect we have on others. Does that make us a narcissist, also? Not necessarily, but everyone has some degree of narcissism. Doing something self-centered can be narcissistic, but that alone can’t pin down the person as a narcissist.

A narcissist is considered someone whose personality is structured around self-centered, self-serving behaviors. And those who are considered to have Narcissistic Personality Disorders are seen as having a degree of narcissism that is pathological – meaning unhealthy or destructive in more than one area of life.

Learning about narcissism can be like a learning a new word – suddenly you hear it everywhere. Before you knew about it, people’s actions may have seemed confusing and hurtful, but now that we have a label, we apply the title of ‘narcissist’ to them all.

Does it matter if they are a narcissist?

I would recommend being cautious with the label if narcissist. For all it’s usefulness, it can also cloud the issues we face. This is why I ask: Does it matter if they are a narcissist? While selfish or hurtful behavior takes on a new meaning when we can give it a medical-sounding label, it does not change what it is – Selfish and Hurtful. And we have the right – and the responsibility – to deal with situations on that basis alone. Even without a label for the other person. If someone is being hurtful, then see that for what it is. You then have a choice – talk about it? Ignore it? Get away from it?

Don’t discard the idea that people can be narcissisic. You may run into people who have Narcassistic Personality Disorder. It is good to know. But how do we understand our relationships without the labels?

Most people who come to a point where they are asking if someone they know or love is a narcissist have endured a lot. Actions, words that have cut them down and confused them. What we need is to be able to look at behaviors, relationships with accuracy. We don’t need a label in most cases to see that a relationship is unhealthy or destructive. We also don’t need a label to start to communicate about what we feel, and if that doesn’t work, to draw boundaries or even leave. Where we can run into problems is when we feel we need the validation of a label like narcissism before we take steps towards the healthy life we need.

Therapy for Relationship Issues in Katy, TX

If dealing with relationships or trauma is having a negative impact on you, reach out for help. Psychotherapy and counseling be a great way to work on important relationship issues, like communication, anger management and boundaries. If you are struggling with relationships in your life or your past, extra support could be essential in your healing.

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