Establishing healthy relationships gets confusing when we think we are being empathic but are people-pleasing. If you get caught up in the other person’s viewpoint, it is useful to figure out whether you are just empathic or there is a destructive people-pleasing style at work. 

People-pleasing vs. Empathy

Before we dig in, let’s be clear.  People pleasing can seem negative but it’s just a descriptive term.  Not a put down.  As we cover later, people-pleasing makes sense in many situations.  While it is neither good or bad, it can have a negative impact on our relationships and mental health.  On the other hand, being an empath implies that we are special in some way.  But again is just describing the spot that we all occupy on a range of abilities to feel what the other person feels – to ‘see’ inside.

Can I be both an Empath and a People-Pleaser?

For sure, how do you think therapists are born?  But seriously, as I’ll go on to explain later, people pleasing is a strategy for navigating relationships.   You may be someone with a natural tendency towards empathy.  Empathic people might not develop people-pleasing styles. But they will if it’s useful in their life.  If people-pleasing is needed, empathic abilities serve to make it easier for us to survive.  People-pleasing develops as a way to regulate the nervous system in the face of overwhelm.  It’s what the nervous system was built to do and it serves to keep up safe.  

Like the fight or flight response that we know helps us deal with threat or anxiety, the ‘fawn’ response is also a safety strategy.  Imagine puppies running to their mama when they hear a loud sound – that is what the fawn response does for us.  It makes us cling to someone for safety.  But what happens when the ones we should be able to run to are either not safe, available or predictable?  Especially when we are young and helpless, motivation to maintain even unhealthy connections is strong. Because we stick close to survive.

We might differentiate the two by saying that empathy is the ability to tune into others, while people pleasing is the set of behaviors that aims to manage the situation.  This might look like diffusing tension when you sense a parent is about to lose it.  Or watching out for the signs that you need to escape or hide, that some kind of attack or overwhelming event is about to occur.

Why distinguish between People-pleasing and Empathy?

It is important to draw a line between empathy and people-pleasing because we carry these patterns of managing others into our adult relationships.  While it might be a superpower to be empathic, it is destructive to people please.  With people-pleasing we might:

• find ourselves in one sided or abusive relationships
• struggle with advocating for ourselves in work
• shy from conflict
• suffer depression or anxiety because it gets too much
• develop other ways to ‘be perfect’
• struggle to set out own goals or be independent

What is often the trap for empathic people-pleasers is that they stay in the old pattern of managing and diffusing the situation.  It is hard it break.  It is comfortable in a way, or at least more comfortable than the unknown.  More comfortable than anger, rejection or hurt from another person.  For most, these patterns developed before we could reason out way through them, so responses feel automatic and driven by fear.    

How to move past people pleasing, even as an empathic person

Being empathic in the true sense does not mean that you are obligated to do things to make it ‘all ok’ for others.  Some empathy must be turned back towards the self for it be a really useful character trait or ability.  Otherwise it sabotages us.  Starting to understand the origins of how you became aware of how others felt, and also how you behaved to manage others.  Think about the age you were at these times and possibly what you could have or should have been doing instead.  Reminding yourself of the healthy dynamic in families is that parents feed into the children.  If it is upside down – children feeding into parents – it will be dysfunctional and those who grow up in these scenarios will frequently have issues to face later in life, such as people pleasing.  

Balancing out needs in adult relationships develops when as children we feel and experience our needs, emotions, viewpoints being valued by caregivers.  So being more curious about how you feel, journalling and listening to your feelings is a good starting point.  Learning more about assertiveness and what that looks like in communications can help.  Obviously working with a therapist who  understands family dynamics, trauma who can help you reality test what is healthy and what healthy relationships look like.  

Therapy for Trauma and Relationship Issues in Katy, TX

If dealing with relationships or trauma is having a negative impact on you, reach out for help. Psychotherapy and counseling be a great way to work on important relationship issues, like communication, anger management and boundaries. If you are struggling with relationships in your life or your past, extra support could be essential in your healing.

I offer counseling for body image, eating disorders, mood problems (anxiety and depression), trauma and relationship issues (communication, anger, boundaries) in-person or virtually. I’m available for brief phone consultations to discuss your needs. Click here to contact me now.