For people who have difficult family experiences, trauma or abuse the holiday season can be really tough. Whether you have an ongoing relationship with family in spite of problems or if you have limited to no contact, this season presents situations that are bound to stir up some feelings.

What makes the holidays feel so tough?

There are a lot of expectations tied up in holidays. Some of this is probably linked to our own beliefs, experiences growing up and even cultural or religious background. All of these build up a kind of internal model of what we think a holiday should be like, feel like, look like. These internal models often don’t match actual lived experiences leading to tension and disappointment. It is not uncommon for confusion to crop up as abusive or dysfunctional families can sometimes put on a perfect Christmas, only to fall back into hurtful patterns afterwards. 

Despite the challenges during the holidays, you are allowed to navigate through them in a way that keeps you sane. Here are 3 ideas for holding onto your wellbeing during the holidays.

1. Adjust expectations

It’s ok to not have a happy Christmas. It’s probably normal to feel conflicted, anxious, disappointed and depressed during the holidays. It’s not always the feelings that make it tough, but our expectations for ourselves, others or an event. Really hoping for a holiday gathering where a parent doesn’t get drunk, or your aunt doesn’t make a comment on your weight or no one argues is understandable. But for many of us, going into the holidays with no expectations will create less pain in the long run. (That doesn’t mean you should just put up with everything that comes your way….more on that later.) The desire for it all to be fun or joyous might actually make the reality more difficult to deal with, so instead be realistic. As much you want it to be different, you can probably trust yourself to know what to expect. Not only will that protect you from your hopes being dashed, but it will also allow you prepare for how you can deal with the drama.

2. Make a plan

How can you handle it if someone’s behavior is hurtful, anxiety provoking or upsetting?  It depends on the situation, but you would benefit from planning ahead. There may be different options to distance from drama, change the subject or leave altogether. Can you leave the table – even if it’s just escape to the bathroom for a moment? It’s also important to know that you don’t need attend any event, meal or gathering. If it really feels impossible to go and stay healthy, say ‘no’. It may be better to deal with the upset at you not going than the drama of the event itself. If you are stuck there, decide ahead of time how you can comfort yourself, get support or a little space. Call of friends who can check on you. Work on breathing techniques to calm the nervous system. Plan on how you will get back into a healthy mindset after the event is over. Limit access to forms of coping that will make the problem worse or create new problems – like alcohol, dysregulated eating, drugs, or other risky behaviors. 

3. Invest in self care

Eat well, sleep well, move your body, meditate, limit negative habits that will make you more vulnerable to mood problems. We can get into cycles of feeling overwhelmed, trying to numb and then feeling worse before we do it all again. Make your health and wellness a priority in whatever ways you can to give yourself the best chance of getting through tough times healthy and in tact. 

Therapy for Trauma and Relationship Issues in Katy, TX

If dealing with the holidays, family/relationships or trauma is having a negative impact on you, reach out for help. Psychotherapy and counseling be a great way to work on important relationship issues, like communication, anger management and boundaries. If you are struggling with relationships in your life or your past, extra support could be essential in your healing.

I offer counseling for body image, eating disorders, mood problems (anxiety and depression), trauma and relationship issues (communication, anger, boundaries) in-person or virtually. I’m available for brief phone consultations to discuss your needs. Click here to contact me now.